Dream of The City Gate: Conversation With The White Witch

“I can see the Shadows all around you,” said the White Witch, leaning back. “I imagine everything is visible yet dim. My words are clear but far away. The Shadows work like vampires. They rest upon you but instead of your blood they take your ineffable essence ...your joy is what they feed on. They leave behind only gloom the way death leaves a skeleton."

"The amulets and potions and armour that you wear are simple folk remedies. Even those concocted by the Wizards Rezifp or Abbot Sbal TobbA, have the mere strength of children. The Shadows become ever darker. Their darkness scours the halls of power. Many spread the darkness unknowingly.

"So how do we know who to trust. How does this work," I ask.

"There is no test. This is not HIV. You can only judge by actions over time. What do they seek for themselves. And more importantly -

"What do they seek," and here she leaned in close and whispered, "from you."

Jenny Holzer Saved My Life Today

enjoy yourself because you can't change anything anyway

Today we visited the new Denver Art Museum designed by Daniel Libeskind because we wanted to see the inside (the outside looks like a ship crashing into a pier to me but that's another post).

They had one Jenny Holzer work on display. I never know how to approach Ms. Holzer's work. Sardonically; ironically; honestly; condescendingly; truthfully; philosophically?

But today her electronic billboard scrolled the thought:

enjoy yourself because you can't change anything anyway.

This instantly changed me from depressed to not. It is not defeatist, it is liberating. It says: Live. Now. Do. Don't be attached to outcomes. Depressed folks like to live in the future or the past. We dwell on horrors to come or horrible mistakes of the past. When of course the past and future do not exist and all that we think about them are just that: thoughts.

Yes I've heard it before - it's all zen and everything - but sometimes context is everything, and in the middle of a very disorienting building with some very disorienting art. Ms. Holzer's truism was... true.

So art caused a liberation today.

I doubt Ms. Holzer would object.

Depression and Running

I know folks. This blog is supposed to be about running, yoga and zen. Not necessarily in that order.

But its really about life. Which is up and down like the hills I ran today. Running is a good but overused metaphor so let's not go there.

According to the NIMH, about 9.5 percent of the US adult population suffers from a depressive illness at any given time. This is a fairly staggering number. "The economic cost for this disorder is high, but the cost in human suffering cannot be estimated. Depressive illnesses often interfere with normal functioning and cause pain and suffering not only to those who have a disorder, but also to those who care about them."

The costs in human suffering cannot be estimated. In part because it can't be seen, can't be measured - it may be the most subjective illness around. No blood test can detect it. Because your arm is not broken, because you are not blind or deaf, or dying of some horrible disease, there is no way to "show" anyone that you are ill, that you hurt, that you are dying inside.

You put on your game face, tough it out, ignore it, hide it, maybe treat it yourself with alcohol, other drugs, sex, food, gambling, anything that will take the feeling away for a little while. Though, trust me, they all make it worse.

What's really hard is that many folks just don't think it exists. But it does and someone you love probably suffers from it. Even if you don't know it. The link to NIMH has lots of tips for helping that loved one - read it 'cause you might recognize someone you know. Even yourself!

Next time you are at a race, realize that many of the folks around you are suffering from depression. That they are there is a testimony to their desire to get better, get over, or just hold the damn thing in abeyance. Exercise is supposed to be good for your head. Numerous studies have shown it to be more effective that any prescription medication available. The problem is a chicken and egg thing: its hard to motivate yourself to get out of bed let alone run when you are depressed. And yet, if you can, it really does offer some release from the symptoms. If you get into a habit of exercise it can help tremendously and prevent relapses. So usually you need some medical assistance to get the process rolling, get rid of some of the fog of depression. Once you start doing things, as the meds kick in, it becomes easier to do more things and so on.

So when I got out there today and ran in the snow, slipping and sliding, I pretty much hated every minute of it. Then here at 10 PM I am feeling myself coming back down to earth. I've been exercising pretty steadily for several weeks. I'm not out of the woods yet but I can see the meadow beyond the trees. The constant pushing to exercise is slowly paying off, more good days than bad, more motivation than procrastination.

But its possible to fall flat on your back again. To relapse into the darkness, the bleakness and hopelessness that is depression. Depression is a lie that some part of your brain tells another part of your brain.

Medication and running are ways of unmasking the lies, interrupting the conversation.

I remember a Calvin and Hobbes comic strip where Calvin is thinking of doing some wild and crazy and foolishly dangerous thing:

That's depression.

See you on the trail!

Dream of the City Gates (Pt. 5)

Satiah has retired to the City Gates Hotel bar, and perhaps Alice will show up as promised.

But not me. I sit on the edge of the bed. My quest seems to be stuck in a circle. The search is an illusion. And perhaps too is the City.

As Satiah has said, happiness cannot be found, bought or secured. The walls of a City will contain everyone but rarely keep anyone out. And what of the wall of pill bottles in front of me, blue to make me small or pink to make me large? How can chemistry help? The pills only make you "not sad". As if numbness could make a life. I put my hands in my head and rub my eyes. It's not that I want to feel ecstasy every waking moment, a sense of contentment punctuated with joy in simple things would suffice. Childlike wonder that is perhaps not available to those of us approaching 51.

Yet Who am I to seek happiness in the midst of a world gone mad in any case?

The phone rings. It's Satiah. "Alice was here, and is now gone. But still time for a nightcap."

I set the phone back in its grimy cradle. Lay back on the bed. For a while there are tears.

Then just sleep. Morning will be different.

Won't it?

Tech Tags: dream dreams

Today's Running Conditions

Today's running conditions: funky, depressed, and icy - but virtuous!!

It's Saturday, and while the rest of Colorado suffered under an allegedly terrible winter storm, up here in Evergreen the sky was blue and the snow melting into ice. In terrible funk, I decided that my psych really needed some outdoor time on a real running surface rather than a treadmill so off to Elk Meadow Park I went. Wearing my "icebug" running shoes I managed to stay upright for an hour of running on the trails shown in the photo. Speed was not in the equation however but not falling down was quite an accomplishment. So feeling virtuous I headed back home - still in a funk however.

Depression sucks. But that's another day's topic.

Dream of the City Gates Pt. 4 (Go Ask Alice)

I looked around my very small room. Single bed. Blue spread. Side table and lamp. TV locked down to the dresser. No remote. Telephone left over from 1955. But out the window the city lights were floating on the night like a thousand small boats in the harbor.

I sat on the bed. It creaked down to its comfort level, which left me with knees higher than my hips, so I laid back and studied the stained ceiling. I could hear people walking about in the room above. The light under my door flickered now and again as too many people went to and fro. People seemed to have more business here than just a night's lodging.

From my case I took various bottles of potions and elixirs I'd accumulated over the years to deal with my melancholy. Pills and liquids - they all meant well - they whispered words of wisdom as they slid through my brain. But I couldn't help but wonder out loud: "Why is my life a perpetual quest for joy, for bliss, while others just seem to carry it within themselves; rivers of joy on which their souls raft laughing."

"You may as well as why this tree grows here and that tree grows there. We have to grow where we are planted, as best we can." said Sutiah stepping in through my window. "Free your mind," he said to me. "And the rest will follow." After which followed a hearty laugh. "What crap."

"Well, I've been trying to free my mind for my entire life."

"Not true, " he smiled. "You've been seeking security not freedom. There is no bliss in security; no animal is happy in a cage. One pill makes you larger. And one pill makes you small - but that means nothing at all. I suggest that you go ask Alice."

"Alice? But how will I recognize her."

"When she's ten feet tall," he said stepping out the window.

"But wait," I cried. "How can I be happy if I am not secure."

He ducked his head back into my room: "I would say that the answer is fairly obvious. Remember no lock or locks can keep the one thing out that can reach us all. So security is an illusion. Bliss cannot flow from an illusion my good fellow."

"What illusion is that," I asked.

"Surely you are not that thick headed are you?" he smiled as he drew a finger slowly across his throat... "I'm meeting Mr. Jones in the bar later - why not join us for a nightcap. Perhaps Alice will be there, though the ceiling is a tad low," he chuckled to himself.

Why not indeed, I thought, while setting out my blue and green and yellow and pink bottles on my night table.

Tech Tags: dream dreams

Alice+in+wonderland alice rabbit